Excitement:
This is the beginning of the month. Right now anything could happen. Who is that story really going to be about? What are they going to do? Oh, my gosh, and I really going to be able to get 50,000 words and more importantly am I going to be able to finish the story by the end of the month? I want to run. I want to write. I want to sit quietly alone and do this thing.
Fear:
Yes, and not just fear.. But fear of failure. In 2010 when I first did NaNoWriMo. I didn't believe that I could do it. I just wanted to write again. I wanted to make a point of writing every day. And two weeks in, I hated my story. I wanted to start over. I didn't write for days. I didn't know what I was going to do. But then a miracle happened. The miracle of NaNo as I see it now. I just wrote. I told myself it didn't matter if it sucked. I was writing for me. And I needed to do it. It was hard. I was behind. But I did it. I finished. And since than, I have done NaNo 2011, two camp NaNo's in June and July of 2011, and my own personal NaNo in April 2011. Each time I ended the month with over the 50,000 words. I finished. But will I be able to do it this time. I fear that I won't each and every time that I start. Because I have finished, I don't want to fail. I know I can do it. Even if it is hard, I want to do it. This year, I told myself I was going to cheat. That I was going to write part of a novel, while also working on the submitting and editing part of my other novels. But even as I say those things to myself, I know I want to finish that novel. I want it all. But is there enough time in the day. What will I exclude so that I can write? I am afraid of failing.
Happiness and dancing:
That is easy, doesn't writing fill everyone with happiness and dancing? hehe.. Well, it helps that my kids are doing NaNo with me. It helps that I read my story to them, sometimes as I write it. It helps that they get excited with me. We dance, we laugh, we talk about our stories while we work on other things.
Cleaning out my closet:
This I wish I was talking about the closet of my mind. I wish I meant cleaning the todo list so that I had time to write. But I don't. I mean I was actually going through my closet today. I wanted to write. But to start writing meant to me that I was committing to finishing this project. Had I started with a blog entry, or a synopsis, or any other writing that I was going to add to my word count as I NaNocheated this November, it would have been different. But no, here on November 1st, I started with my novel. I started with the words of my story. I stared at the screen, wondering how to start. Then I looked at the pile of things in the bottom of my closet, clothes and shoes I needed to go through, Christmas presents that needed to be wrapped, craft projects that lets face it...I might never finish. So of course I walked away from my computer and I cleaned the closet. hehe... Just a little. There is still plenty in there to distract me from writing tomorrow or the next day.
But finally, I went out to my car and got my mp3 player. I changed the battery. I sat down with my computer and I started to write. It was a good start. I would like to get some more written even today. But life has lots of things going on around me. I need to breathe. I need to know that if I do not finish my novel this November it is okay. I will write every day. And it might be very important for me to finish that synopsis for my other story. Or maybe I need to research something else. And that will be okay too. I want to try and finish, I know that too.
It is okay for me to dream. It is okay for me to want things that seem like I can never have them. It is okay to just sit in that quiet place and get to know my characters. There are lots of things that I need to and should be doing this November. And one of them is writing.
So here is my new pen, my reward for my rejection letter. Here is my new notebook for NaNoWriMo. And here are the very first words of my new novel.
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