New book?

I have been really having the desire to write something again. So after a few days worth of research, and a lot of considering, I am ready to give it a go. I am going to be doing a mini-NaNoWriMo. I don't know if it is really that mini. The mini part comes in that I am going to be doing it by myself. My goal is to over the next 32 days try to write another 50,000 word novel. So here we go again. This time a chose a different idea that I had quite a few years ago. I am joining it together with yet another story idea that I had. We will see how it goes. I don't want to plan to much of it out. I want it to come alive like Bella did. So that is all I know except for just a few little thoughts of what could happen. We will see if they make it into the story at all. Here is the first days' worth of words. Not quite the 1560 words that I need for day one. But a start none the less. And I am getting set up for tomorrow. So maybe I will get even more. It would be truly amazing to actually be ahead of schedule this time.

Here is the start of my story so far. This is the last anyone will be able to read of the story at least until I finish it on April 10th.

Bella

I have been working at getting Bella ready to send of for my free proof copy. I have moved things around. I have done some editing. I have also had the kids draw me some pictures to put at the beginning of each chapter. Well, they are not quite finished. They need to make three more pictures for me. Once they get all of the pictures finished and I add them to my file, I will read over everything one last time and make sure things look right. Then I will send it off. Well, I guess I still need to come up with a title. If I don't come up with anything better, I will just call the book, Bella.

No Plot? No Problem!

A few days ago, I bought the book, "No Plot? No Problem!" by Chris Baty. He is one of the people who started up NaNoWriMo. And this book is to be read as you are getting ready to start NaNoWriMo and the rest of it read while you are working on your story. So I am a little behind. I finished my story and then I read the book about writing it. Ha!

I just finished reading the book today. I really enjoyed it. It has once again gotten me excited about NaNoWriMo. It is too bad that it is only February. But I think what I really want to do is what he was talking about in the end of the book. I need to start revising and editing my book. I couldn't do it in December. I was still very excited about the whole thing. But there might have been enough time now. Part of me really wants to print out my story. But that seems to be such a waste of paper, as I know that I will be doing some changes.

Who Am I?

There is actually a lot of different parts to this question. There have been many times in my life when I have sat down to think of what I wanted or where I wanted to go from here. As many times as I think that I have it figured out, I seem to have to start over almost from the beginning. I am back to that point. less than a year ago, I felt secure and new what the future held for me. I had plans and things to work on. There were things I wanted and needed and things I hoped for. And now I am trying to figure much of this out again. It is like trying to get to know myself again. What do I like? Why do I like it? What do I miss when it is gone? What am I going to put time and effort into? Where do I want to be six months from now? What do I want to be doing? Unlike the first few times that I needed to think all of this through, it is not just me anymore. So a lot of what I can or want to do is based on what my kids need and what is best for all of us. When I was 22 years old I got my first teaching job in Grand Island. And sometime after that I moved to a tiny little house in Grand Island. And now 18 years later, I am again sleeping in my old bedroom at my parents house. The funny thing about that being my bedroom is that we finally moved into that house while I was in college. So the room was actually only mine about one weekend a month and then for about six months after I finished college. I have been really slow about hanging things up on the walls since the kids and I moved in here. I have been thinking a lot about why that is. I am not sure that I have a reason yet. But I know that it has to do with my not knowing what was going to be happening. This past month I have been putting a lot more things on the walls and working some more with the last few boxes. There are many days, that I wish for my own house, and my own walls. But there are also many times that I am very happy to be here. Things are safe here. Even with not having any idea of what will be happening six months from now, or even tomorrow. Worms is my home. It always has been. Almost everyone here is my family. I am still not sure what I want or who I am. This seems to depend on the day or what mood I am in. When we first moved here, I thought I would sit and not many any decisions for six months. But it has been six months now. And I still don't know what is going to happen or who I am. But I am slowly working on it. That is why writing has been an important thing for me. That is something that I have been doing for years. I think that is at least a part of who I am. And one thing, one part of me that has never been in question is that I am first and foremost a mother to my children. I am their teacher. This part of me, is at least a bit in question. I want to keep home schooling them. I like it. I like spending time with them. I think that they like it. But some times I feel that I need to do something more to support my family. But for now at least, I will stay here until I feel that I need to do something else.

Saturn

I woke up this morning 10 minutes before my alarm clock was set to go off. Instead of shutting off the alarm and just getting up, I thought I would just lay in bed. But then I was awake. I heard the toilet running. So I got up to fix that. And I thought, while I am up, I should look outside and see if it is cloudy. I have been wanting to look at Saturn with my telescope. It is supposed to be visible in the morning hours. But it has been cloudy most days I think to look before the sun is up. When I looked outside, I could see the stars. So opened up my star program to see just where I might find Saturn in the sky. Once I knew where to look, I went to get the telescope set up. It was awesome to see Saturn. I could clearly see the rings around the planet. Then I went to wake up the kids up so they could see it too. We were all very excited to see Saturn. While we were out there we also took a look at Venus. It was a 'half' Venus. We have looked at Venus before. But it was a crescent Venus that we saw before. A 'half' Venus is very bright.

Tears

Now, here is something completely different. But it definitely fits the title "Lisa's Thoughts for the day."

Today was my Uncle Jim's funeral. And boy over the last two years I have really begun to dislike that word. "FUNeral"... truly nothing fun about it. And even as I say that I know it is not really true. I spent the day with my family. I so want to be with all of them on a day when there is no "eral." There would be a lot more "FUN." But even so, I did enjoy my time with my cousins and my family.

When my Grandma died in 2008 it was a big something for me. It was huge. Not only was this the very first funeral for my girls (Zeb had been to Grandpa's when he was a 1 1/2). This was their Great-Grandma. The kids were sad. They loved her and were going to miss her. But then there is how it effected me. This was my last Grandparent. It now made my parents and my aunts and uncles the 'old' ones. It put me into that middle generation. I wasn't a kid. I was the grown-up, I was old. And this isn't to say that I was feeling old. But now the only ones left were my parents and aunts and uncles. I was in no way ready to deal with losing any of them. And also, my grandma dying had cut that link to my grandpa. As long as grandma was there and living in their house. I could go there. Grandpa and Grandma's stuff was there. So it was like I was still with him. But not now, after Grandma died that was it. Sorting their things...who wants this....I'll take that. In my mind, I am crying, screaming, "No don't move that. Leave it be." But we can't Now my Uncle and Aunt live in their house. Six months after Grandma died, we went there for Christmas. I could hardly breath. Their things were gone. There was a big screen TV and a Wii. I am happy that my Uncle is living there. But it was hard. Sometimes it is still hard to be in that house and for it not to be my Grandparents' house.

But this is only the beginning of the story. In October of 2009, Aunt Verona is going in for surgery. Never really a good thing. But this is to prevent worse things. So while she is there she has a stroke, a pretty bad stroke. I have a thing with strokes. After Grandpa had a stroke, after I watched him for 10 years sit in that wheel chair after that stroke, I really have a problem with strokes. So here is Aunt Verona, and I am so sad about this. That is a terrible way to live. It is hard on that person and on their whole family. My parents were down for the weekend. They were helping us move into our new house when Dad got the call. Aunt Verona had died. After we were finished moving for the day, they had been going to go to Lincoln to see her. But now she had died. My Dad's sister had died. Not some old person in my family, my Dad's sister. I was sad, I wasn't going to see her again. Our whole family, every gathering and get together was going to be different. I was sad for my Dad. I was sad for Uncle LeRoy, and Jackie, and Dan, and Ken, and Rob.

I got back from Aunt Verona's funeral and only days later, I got the call that Myrta had died. Myrta was a second Mom to me. She was like a grandma to my kids. We all cried. And just over a week later we got another call. Rose Marie had died. Three funerals in three weeks. And all this time knowing that my Uncle Loy was dying. He had cancer and he was going to die. From October 2009 to May 2010 we went to 6 funerals. In so many ways not a joy - filled year.

Then in August there is Jonathan and I.

My Aunt Jan has cancer.

Now I am not writing this to feel sad or make everything seem bad or to be negative in any way. It has just been a sad year filled with tears. I go nowhere or talk to no one without telling them I love them. I can't even count how many people I told those words today.

Uncle Jim got sick just before Christmas. It looked really bad. But then a miracle happened. My Mom called it our Christmas miracle. Uncle Jim was okay. The doctors and nurses were amazed. He was in the hospital for several weeks. But he was getting better. They sent him home. On Friday January 15, I was in Shopko with Mom, Dad and the kids when Mom got the call. Uncle Jim had died. We were shocked.

We sat in the church this afternoon. My parents sat next to me. My Mom saying goodbye to her brother. (A feeling I don't want to share or imagine.) My Dad lost a sister and a brother last year. I can see my cousins a few rows in front of me, missing their father. (Another feeling I am so not ready to share.) And my Dad takes my hand. I see tears on Ella's cheek. So I put my other arm around Melinda and rub Ella's back. Ella has a hard time with anyone's funeral. She told me later, she doesn't remember Uncle Jim much but she is sad. And it made her remember Great Grandma. I feel like I have had enough "FUN". Five of the last eight funerals have been in the McKoski family. Last night I told a bunch of my Uncles, Aunts and cousins, that 90 was a good age for me. They weren't old until then so they could just stop it. And Lori reminded me of something we decided at her Grandma's funeral in May, that we (Lori, Deseray and myself) were all planning on going at the same time. Because there was no way we were going to each other's funerals.

Now tomorrow the kids and I are going over to Lori's house. We will wipe our tears and have some real FUN. It is time to hold my cousin's hand and run out into the trees looking for a hidden village or a dragon to hunt. It is time to share a root beer float and a bag of doritos while we play an endless game of Uno and watch the Dukes of Hazard. It is time to laugh until our ribs hurt and people think we must have spiked our drinks. And if there wasn't so much snow on the ground, we could run outside in our bare feet and spin in the dewy grass until we fall down, and watch and feel the world spin around us.

A long time to go without having thoughts

It seems that Christmas and then being sick for a couple of weeks has really slowed me down. I have not been writing here or anywhere. But now that I am feeling mostly better, I am going to try and get back into my routine. I did get really brave though. Last Friday I sent out a copy of my NaNoWriMo story to a few people who had been wanting to read it. I still haven't sat down with it to do any editing. I am not really sure what I am waiting for. Maybe I do really want some input on this story. I don't know. The last two days, I have been thinking about my story about Beria again. I haven't gotten around to writing anything new on it yet. But as least I have been thinking about writing again.

This seems to have nothing to do with what I have been saying here. But I want to write about it somewhere so I don't forget and this seems to be as good as a place as any to do that. It has been snowing here the last two days. We have gotten a lot of snow, so far about 12 inches. When I see the cats outside with snow on them, I feel a little bad for them. But not nearly as bad as my girls. Yesterday, the kids all went outside to play in the snow. All three of them were working on igloos for the cats. They wanted to make a warm place for them to keep out of the cold. This seemed like a really interesting idea. It is something I don't want to forget. So I am writing about it here.